My sweet sensitive little girl!!

Just a few minutes ago, I went into Makenna's room because she was crying. She told me that she had a bad dream. I held her for a minute and then asked her what the dream was about. She said that they killed Jesus!!! I said, "what???" and she said..."Remember.....they put those things in his hands and feet!! I learned it in Primary!!" Makenna then started balling. I held this sweet child in my arms and wiped her tears. She then asked if He was ok. I said of course He is and that He is in Heaven. She said that she wanted to die then so she could be with Jesus and Grandma Great. I told her that I would be so sad and that she couldn't leave me to which she replied that we can just die together. I said that we can wait a long, long time and that she had to grow up and get married and have kids first. Grandma Great did all that too. She even had Great Grandkids like her! She then said she remembered this show that had Jesus in it (but didn't have curtains;) and that it had trees and grass and Jesus was on fire like a star. I swear this girl has some memory! She is talking about the Hill Cumorah pageant that we went to almost two years ago in New York when she was four!! She asked to go back so that we can see Jesus again and also see Grandma Great!! Wow....what an impact that pageant had on her. How amazing to be a child and really think that you were looking right at Jesus!!! I love this girl!!

Turtles!!

Here are some pics from my cell phone that I have wanted to blog about for months but I couldn't get them out of my phone! We don't have the fancy phones or plans so they stayed stuck for awhile:) But as we were showing this funny pic to my mother in law that I took on my phone, I had the idea that maybe she could e-mail them to me!! So I finally have these pictures somewhere other than my phone!!

These pictures are also very special to me because they were taken at my Grandma's house in September, about four months after my Grandma passed. No one is living in her house anymore and it will probably be foreclosed soon so I'm glad I have these last pics. The girls are feeding Grandma Great's turtle! My Grandma has always had turtles for as long as I can remember and I'm glad my girls got to see one.

Makenna had no problem petting him:)

Jordyn took longer to warm up to petting him but once she did, she had a big smile on her face!! :)

 Makenna even touched his head!!! :)

I have been missing my Grandma a lot lately!!!

Feeling sentimental

This is the first Christmas without Grandma Great and I have found that I have been thinking about her a lot!! Especially after I found these ornaments that she made for us!! I found them silly at the time she gave them to us but I am so glad that I have them now!

I even found this little one that she made when I was pregnant with Makenna. It's making me teary! It says baby girl yet to be born!

Makenna didn't help things when she drew her a picture and said she couldn't wait until she "came back" so that she could give it to her. I don't know if she thinks Grandma is just on a trip and is coming home for Christmas or what. She knows she died but I don't think this sweet girl really understands the reality of that. That she won't see her again for a very long time! I told her that she was in heaven and that she couldn't come back but that we could go and give that beautiful picture to her on her grave. She will get it that way. She said that was ok but then started crying! Oh, my sweet baby girl!

This beautiful ring was my Grandmas and I wear it every day. I'm so thankful that it fits and that I can have a piece of her with me always!!

Merry Christmas Grandma Great! I know you will enjoy it this year with Grandpa!!

Feeling Guilty!

My Mom gave me a couple of rings that belonged to my Grandma that no one else wanted. I have been thinking about her a lot the last few days (remembering this post:) and as I slid those rings on my fingers, I felt her near me. One of them is a sweet, small ring that fits perfectly on my pinkie finger and the other is quite big but fits perfectly on the ring finger on my right hand. I think they are meant to be mine since they both fit just right. The big one is set quite high and has a few diamonds missing. It looks quite worn but I love it!! That means that she wore it a lot and that she must have loved it! I will wear them both proudly. I miss her so much and I have been worrying that I wasn't there enough for her when she was alive. We lived so close but yet we didn't see her nearly enough. I wish I would have done more for her. The last couple years of her life were needless to say not the best of her life. Because of a family member, she was constantly worried about money and nearly lost her home that her husband had bought for her. Even after her house was saved, she pretty much lived worried about money. I think the bitterness I had for this family member made me stay away from my Grandma. I didn't want to see my Grandma like that. Her house was a mess. Her yard was a mess. And she was a mess. There were times when we would visit and she would just break down and cry harder than I have ever seen before. This shouldn't have happened to my Grandma in her last years of life. It still makes me mad. But now as I look back, I wonder why I didn't clean up her yard. Why I didn't clean her house and make it spotless. In our church, we talk about service all the time. Why didn't I serve my Grandma??? I keep telling myself that it was because my Aunt also lived there and she should have been able to clean the house. I actually told my Mom right before she died that we should go over there while my Aunt was out of town and just clean that house until it shines but she didn't make it that far. She was gone before we had the chance to do that. But why didn't I just go visit her more??? I keep going over and over that in my head. She had 20 grandchildren and most of them lived by her. She should have had many visitors but I don't think she had very many at all. Why??? I keep telling myself that I was busy with my kids but they loved to go over there so what kind of excuse is that? I guess time just got away from me. But now I will wear those rings that no one else wanted and keep them close to my heart because all that I'm left with is the wonderful memories I have of her and the hope and prayer in my heart that she will forgive me! Please forgive me Grandma. I love you!!

Prayers

Truly, the sweetest things are the prayers of little children. I love to hear what my girls will say every night. It usually involves blessing Grandma and Grandpa, Grandma and Papa and that we will sleep good and stay healthy. But lately it has also involved Grandma Great. Makenna would pray for her every time she prayed so now Jordyn has started praying for Grandma "Grape"!! It is so adorable how she says it. And last night Makenna asked that Grandma Great be healed!! She would usually ask for her to feel better but yesterday it was 'healed'! Where did she get that? It was so sweet. I love those little girls and love their sweet hearts:)

Makenna and Grandma Great

It is really hard trying to explain death to a five year old! I debated on whether or not to let Makenna see Grandma. I didn't know if she would understand. I didn't know how she would take it. I just didn't know. I just figured we would go in the room and let her take the lead. If she went over to see her, we would just go with it. Makenna pretty much went over to Grandma right away. She really wanted to see her so I went with her. My precious little girl just put her hands on the side of her casket and looked and her Grandma Great. We just talked about how pretty she was and how pretty her dress was. We took our seats and thought that went very well when the next thing I know, Makenna is back looking at Grandma.....hands again on the side of the casket looking in. This girl was making me break down! She kept going back again and again. I don't know what was going through this sweet baby girl's mind but she wanted to see her Grandma Great. When they were about to close her casket, I took her up one last time and we said that we loved her. Makenna started crying as we left and she told me that she wanted Grandma to say I love you back to her!!
This is the picture that she drew at joy school yesterday. In the upper right corner is Grandma Great in her casket with a flower on it (she had flowers all over it) and Makenna is on the bottom left and has tears coming down her face!

As we were walking behind Grandma after the funeral was over, Makenna started getting panicky. I asked her what was the matter and she said she wanted to give Grandma Great a kiss. I told her she couldn't and she started to get upset. Then she really started to freak out when she saw them put her in the back of the hearse. She totally broke down crying when we got in the van. I got in the back with her and just held her and she just kept saying that she hopes Grandma feels better. After we got to the grave site and the dedicatory prayer (which my Dad gave and did an awesome job on:), some threw roses into the grave. Makenna wanted to do this but as she did it, she yells, "OH CRAP!! My rose broke!!" That's my Makenna:) Her rose had broken apart and fell off. When it was time to leave, she started to get upset again and she told me she wanted to give Grandma a kiss! I could think of only one solution so I took her over there and we both blew kisses at Grandma! I know she caught them:)
This is a flower from one of the arrangements.

That night and the next couple of days were still hard for her. She kept saying that she hopes Grandma feels better. She would all of a sudden be in tears and tell me that she is sad because she wants to see Grandma. She was also worried about my Mom because she saw tears coming down her face:) I think we are now in the phase of denial. She drew her a picture and said she wanted to go over to her house to see her and hang it up on her wall. I don't really know how else to explain this to a five year old. It's Memorial Day this weekend and we always put something on Grandpa Dunsmoor's grave so I'm going to take Makenna with me this time so she can put something on Grandma's. Maybe we will give Grandma that picture:)

Made it through

I am weary! It was a very emotional weekend and I can feel it. It takes a lot out of you. I also had to give a talk about all of the Grandchildren's memories. I think it went well but stressed about it until it was over. My little girl is also having a hard time. She keeps telling me she is sad because she wants to go see Grandma Great or wants to put a flower in her hair, etc....She also said many numerous things yesterday that about put me in tears every time (that will be in the next post because I'm too tired today:) I love how sensitive and sweet my baby girl is. It is also very difficult trying to explain death to a five year old. This is her first close experience with death. We just keep telling her that she went to be with Heavenly Father just like Dot (my parents dog just recently). She then tells me that she wants to go see her. We will be able to someday baby!! Someday. I'm so thankful that Families are Forever!

Just gotta get through the weekend....

A Grandmother holds her grandchildren's hands for awhile.....Their hearts forever!

Aiden and Great Grandma....May 7th