Feeling Guilty!

My Mom gave me a couple of rings that belonged to my Grandma that no one else wanted. I have been thinking about her a lot the last few days (remembering this post:) and as I slid those rings on my fingers, I felt her near me. One of them is a sweet, small ring that fits perfectly on my pinkie finger and the other is quite big but fits perfectly on the ring finger on my right hand. I think they are meant to be mine since they both fit just right. The big one is set quite high and has a few diamonds missing. It looks quite worn but I love it!! That means that she wore it a lot and that she must have loved it! I will wear them both proudly. I miss her so much and I have been worrying that I wasn't there enough for her when she was alive. We lived so close but yet we didn't see her nearly enough. I wish I would have done more for her. The last couple years of her life were needless to say not the best of her life. Because of a family member, she was constantly worried about money and nearly lost her home that her husband had bought for her. Even after her house was saved, she pretty much lived worried about money. I think the bitterness I had for this family member made me stay away from my Grandma. I didn't want to see my Grandma like that. Her house was a mess. Her yard was a mess. And she was a mess. There were times when we would visit and she would just break down and cry harder than I have ever seen before. This shouldn't have happened to my Grandma in her last years of life. It still makes me mad. But now as I look back, I wonder why I didn't clean up her yard. Why I didn't clean her house and make it spotless. In our church, we talk about service all the time. Why didn't I serve my Grandma??? I keep telling myself that it was because my Aunt also lived there and she should have been able to clean the house. I actually told my Mom right before she died that we should go over there while my Aunt was out of town and just clean that house until it shines but she didn't make it that far. She was gone before we had the chance to do that. But why didn't I just go visit her more??? I keep going over and over that in my head. She had 20 grandchildren and most of them lived by her. She should have had many visitors but I don't think she had very many at all. Why??? I keep telling myself that I was busy with my kids but they loved to go over there so what kind of excuse is that? I guess time just got away from me. But now I will wear those rings that no one else wanted and keep them close to my heart because all that I'm left with is the wonderful memories I have of her and the hope and prayer in my heart that she will forgive me! Please forgive me Grandma. I love you!!