My epiphany

I have been thinking and worrying about going back to work after I give birth ever since I found out I was pregnant. I was off for quite some time with my first two and was looking at having to go back to work rather quickly after having this one. I was not too happy about it. With Makenna, I had been working full time for six and a half years and was so ready to be done for awhile. I had done so many massages over that time that I had to take leave about three months before she was born because I ended up with pregnancy carpal tunnel. To me it was a sign. A sign to take some time off to be with my first born. After about a year, I went back to work. I looked back into the Hilton because I knew the manager there and knew that she would work with me and my schedule. She didn't make me work weekends and it was nice to just work part time. Personally every massage therapist should have no more than five hours of massage a day. But that's just my opinion:) Anyway, I worked until about two months before I gave birth to Jordyn. Since I was only part time, I figured it was no biggie to be off for awhile. It was around our normal slow time and didn't think they needed me anyways. I told my boss to just call me when they got busy. Well, I called her when I was ready to come back and she had laid me off before I had even had the baby. I had no idea. I still had my badge and work clothes!! She never told me so I had to apply and drug test all over again!! I was pissed but she took me right back in so whatever. The problem this time is that the economy has tanked since my last baby. I don't know if I will have a job to go back to when I'm ready to come back. I don't know if upper management will eliminate the position entirely before I come back. I just felt that I had to hang on to it! So I was consumed in trying to get as much time off after the baby as possible. I figured that the max I could get was 12 weeks since that is what full time workers get. Well, come to find out that there are NO rights for part time workers!! None!! Nothing is written about part timers. It is up to the discretion of your employer. So I sat down with my boss and she said some bull crap about not being able to have employees on that aren't active!! So, I'm like....what??? She was going to give me like a month!! So I went down to HR and she pretty much told me that I could have the whole 12 weeks off. It was up to my boss and she should know that. Blah blah blah....I just went up and told my boss that I could have 12 weeks. So now that I have 12 weeks, I have to work all the way up until I have this baby. I was determined!! I told myself that I was going to have as much time as possible with my baby afterwards and I wasn't going to waste time at home prego!! Well.....those thoughts were when I was newly prego!! I kept telling myself that I just had to do it and all the while my body keeps getting more stiff and sore as I massage. I'm already having pelvic pain real bad when I stand for long periods and that is what I do all night....is stand and use up a ton of energy!! By the end of the night, I'm hurting pretty bad! And I still have three months to go!! I was really starting to worry about it. I thought I was going to be better off with this one because I wasn't prego in the summer and could go walking and stay in better shape! But when I go walking, it makes my pelvic pain even worse! I just kept telling myself that I just had to do it. Well, last week I had a very emotional day! I sometimes get very weepy with this pregnancy. I can cry at the drop of a hat and I was crying all day. I got to work and I still was tearing up. I started my massage and it was just a really good massage. Some massages just go really smooth and I started thinking to myself....."hey!! you are a good massage therapist!! Why in the world are you so tied down with the Hilton!! Why are you so scared of change that you will try to work while absolutely miserable and then go back to work when you baby is so little when you really really don't want to!! Just because you feel so tied to the Hilton!! You are a great massage therapist with tons of experience and other spas would be lucky to have you!!" After my pep talk with myself, I instantly felt a calm come over me! It was amazing. My weepy, crying self became really calm and I KNEW that what I was saying to myself was not crazy. I made the decision right then that I will just work until I can't anymore and then be done for awhile. I will take some time off and when I'm ready I will go back to work. If it happens to be the Hilton, then it's the Hilton. If it's not, then it's time for a change. I think my path is supposed to go a different route right now anyway. Travis confirmed this for me when he told me I should just go until I can't anymore a couple weeks prior! I knew that when I talked to him that night, that he would be ok with it too. We are trying to get our mortgage lowered right now so hopefully if that works out, we will be in a much better position! Whichever way our path is supposed to go, I know that this is what I'm supposed to do. I just had to think of it first!! I just had that other route in my head and wasn't even considering another option. And now that I have, I have PEACE and it is right!!!